God Hates Skags
by Dead Decoy
Summary: Every planet has its own special story. Pandora's story is that everyone on it is an idiot.


"_Pandora will literally kill your face. Literally."_

Such were the timeless words of Dahl's CEO when asked if his corporation was planning any more colonization missions to the war-blasted, sand-blasted, eridium-blasted, blasted-blasted legendary planet of the vaults.

Needless to say, the tourism board of Pandora was disappointed in the CEO's words, having worked tirelessly in the last few years to downplay the planet's rather high exploded-people-per-capita rate. At the very least, they wanted to give people something to talk about other than the endemic bandit gangs, ultra-hostile wildlife, and that one video that got out on the ECHOnet of Salvador kicking Handsome Jack's severed head around like a soccer ball.

The board had meetings, powerpoint presentation, and more than a few passive-agressive sticky notes passed around, but they finally arrived at a solution to all of Pandora's image problems:

Pandora needed a mascot.

In retrospect, the solution was quite obvious. People needed something cute and cuddly to associate with the planet. The vault symbol, powerful though its meaning might have been, tended to be associated with psychopaths, cannibals, and areas that somehow had a negative average literacy rate. So, a mascot. Something native to Pandora, but rife for giving big eyes and being able to make plushies out of them. The board brainstormed, trying to find the perfect critter to represent their proud home.

Bullymongs were common, but far too brutish. Rakks were too alien looking, and hard to associate with. Crawmerax was right out.

Then, it hit them. It was right in front of them! Why didn't they think of it before? Skags! They were everywhere, native to Pandora, and the most successful of all Pandoran wildlife, right next to the primates that drunkenly stumbled out of the savannah and into sapience on Earth.

Contracting the most talented artist on Pandora, the Tourism And/Or Moonshine Board of Pandora created an official mascot: Skats the Skag. However, before they decided to reveal Skats to the galaxy at large, they first traveled about the planet, asking the common everyman what they thought about Skats, or even skags in general.

The first person they asked was a random bandit they found, keeping a fair distance away in case he decided to eat one of their fingers. His advice was most helpful.

"_KILL IT! REND THEM ALL INTO SAUSAGE SO MOMMY WILL LOVE ME AGAIN! MOMMY, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY!? I ONLY CHOPPED YOU A LITTLE BIT!"_

Said bandit was also carrying around a rather large colorful sign that explained that God hated skags. Also, his name was Skag-Hater. Also, a skag ate the rest of his bandit gang.

The board simply assumed the first interview was a fluke, and asked some more denizens of Pandora.

"Ew, no! One of those things tried to hump my chassis. I mean, it took my mind off the fact that I'm the last of my kind and I'm going to die alone, but it's the principle of the thing!" Claptrap said, before immediately wheeling off, crying.

"Skags are if Satan looked at a rabid dog and went 'yeah, I can make that worse'," said Mordecai whilst cleaning his rifle on the corpse of a psycho.

"I punch skags extra hard," said Brick.

"Foul beasts. Hardly worth the bullets, quite honestly," said Sir Hammerlock.

"_THEY SMELL LIKE BAD! LIKE JIMMY! BAD! BAD JIMMY! YOU DIDN'T KNOW, NOW YOU DO! KNOW WHAT? AXEINYOURFACE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" _said Skag-Hater, having followed one of the board members home.

Even with all the negative feedback, the board didn't want their effort to go to waste and powered through with making Skats the Skag Pandora's mascot. Of course, when the general populace found out, there was a massive uproar. Suffice to say, the quality of life of the board members dropped precipitously. Their insurance premiums became quite expensive. Their daily routines became filled with ex—

For fu—do I have to spell it out for you? Their asses got murdered. However, the citizens of Pandora are nothing if not productive in their own way, and did agree that Pandora needed something to represent it. They took a planetwide vote, and decided to adopt Skag-Hater's sign as Pandora's new flag. They also added a butt at the bottom because of course they did.

So the next time someone tells you Pandora's a warzone, you'll agree with them if you're sane. But do point out that for a brief moment, the people of that wasteland united in their hatred of a single critter.

Or as Skag-Hater would put it, _"PUT THE DEATH IN ME! PUT IT IN ME HARD!"_


End file.
